|
 Somewhere above the fall of cherry blossoms, the moon was full. Not the sickening crimson of four years ago, and so many times since, but a pale, waxen glow in the night sky. It painted the pink flowers silver, turned the thick layer on the ground to snow, didn’t quite touch the green of a boy’s eyes. It was a peaceful night, some people might have said. Hisoka Kurosaki was not one of those people. Seated as he was against the trunk of one of the graceful trees, surrounded by the beauty of the night, the boy didn’t even lift his gaze from the small pile of petals at his feet. His thoughts were turned inward, focused on a different kind of beauty entirely.
Maybe we’ve gone too far Every time he closed his eyes, the boy was met with a violet gaze under dark strands of hair, a smile that was never anything but gentle. It disconcerted him, to say the least. He should have been resting, preparing for the next assignment. Doing something useful. Instead, he was daydreaming about his idiot of a partner, of all things. With a little noise of annoyance, Hisoka made as though to stand— and froze, back against the tree, as his eyes picked out movement that couldn’t be attributed to the fall of the sakura petals. And I don’t know who you really are The panic squeezing its way up his throat kept the boy immobile, staring through the white of the cherry blossoms and to the dark form beyond. His mind insisted that it knew who was there— that a man too lovely to be anything but a demon would notice him any second now, and punish him again for what he’d seen. But… the figure’s steps were idle, wandering, and even in the dark, through the rain of flowers, Hisoka could see that the coat he wore was black. Green eyes widening fractionally, the boy cursed softly to himself and stumbled to his feet. No good to let Tsuzuki wonder what he was doing out here alone. No good to let him ask what was wrong. The problem, Hisoka told himself firmly, had nothing at all to do with the fact that he might answer. Putting my trust in you “Hisoka?” The disbelief in the voice stopped the boy cold before he could take a step. “Is that you?” “I was just going in,” he told his partner stiffly, moving to leave. It was the touch on his arm that kept him from walking away. “No, wait.” The boy didn’t have to look at Tsuzuki’s face to know that he was grinning a stupid grin; the waves of surprised pleasure coursing over him through the contact that they shared told him all he needed to know. “You’re up anyway— I’ve been wanting to ask you something.” “So ask.” Hisoka jerked his arm away from the warmth of the touch, turning to fix a glare on the older man. There must have been something in his expression, some emotion that he hadn’t meant to show hiding in his eyes; the confusion carried well enough without physical contact, showed in the way Tsuzuki’s expression shifted from pleased to something that bordered on worry. Hisoka didn’t even wait for the question that was forming. “It’s none of your business,” he told the other man curtly. “Just hurry up— I want to go inside.”
Safe in your presence I will be “Hisoka…” The violet gaze that had been so happy was faltering; for a moment, the boy saw through to something underneath it, something that was hurt by the harsh words. And then the moment had passed, and Tsuzuki was trying on his best abused puppy look. “You don’t have to be so mean!” the older shinigami whined. “I just wanted to ask a question!” The gratitude that Hisoka felt was overwhelming. Tsuzuki being childish: something normal. Something he could handle. “Then get it over with, stupid, and I’ll leave you alone.” Rolling his eyes, the boy folded slender arms over his chest and waited expectantly for some inane request.
It feels like I’m falling What he wasn’t prepared for were the hands that gripped him by both shoulders, nor the rush of emotions that the contact brought. It was almost enough to make him dizzy, and for a moment he had to grasp Tsuzuki’s arms to stay upright. “Wha…” he managed, dazed by the force of the feelings the other man was giving off. “…what?” His partner didn’t answer; he showed the boy instead. Taking one arm from Hisoka’s shoulders, he wrapped it around the slender form, pulling the boy against him. The other hand moved more cautiously, as though afraid to scare the younger shinigami away; careful fingers sought his face, traced a path along the jaw line, gently tipped the chin upward. Hisoka stood frozen, unable to speak— barely able to breath— as he waited for what he knew was coming. And then Tsuzuki leaned down to press his lips to the boy’s.
I’m losing the fight to stay alone Physically, there was warmth. Warmth, and the feel of strong arms, and a gentleness that he’d never dared to imagine. But there was so, so much more. Concern. Worry, even. For him. That he spent too much time alone. That he wasn’t even willing to try getting close. And hurt, that he put so much into pushing the man away. But… the rest was better, more intoxicating. Stronger. Joy, of a strange and powerful sort that Hisoka had never known. Satisfaction, because the man holding him had waited for so long. A soft kind of fondness, and a desire that brought a blush to the boy’s cheeks. And… love. Abruptly, Hisoka tensed, pushing away the man in his arms. Green eyes huge in the moonlit night, the boy wrapped his arms around himself, breathing heavily. It had been too much, too fast. And at the end, he’d had trouble telling whether it was Tsuzuki feeling the rush of emotions crowding his senses… or himself. Where do we go from here? For a moment, the boy was struck by the sudden urge to yell. To demand exactly what the hell Tsuzuki thought he was doing, and scold him for such a stupid joke. That would put things back to normal, wouldn’t it? If he pretended that nothing had happened? And it might not be what he wanted, or what Tsuzuki wanted, but… It would be comfortable. It would be what they were used to. And wasn’t that enough?
Why do we stand in silence waiting for But something in the back of Hisoka’s mind was quietly insisting that if he pushed the man away again now, he wouldn’t be coming back. Just the thought was enough to send a tendril of dread creeping along his spine. And so the young shinigami waited, trying to keep his hands from trembling too badly. And how do I feel right now? “I want to ask my question now.” Tsuzuki’s voice was too loud in the silence, and the boy almost winced. Something about the night, about the moon, had leant itself to hush that had fallen, and the man’s voice had broken it too suddenly. “What are you feeling?” Hisoka blinked, taken aback. “What?” “That’s my question.” Abruptly, the serious expression that the older shinigami wore was overcome by a childish pout. “It isn’t fair— you’re an empath. You always know what people feel. But… but, you always hide what you’re feeling. From everyone. From me.” For a moment, a weary kind of sadness shadowed the man’s eyes. It was enough to make Hisoka ashamed that he’d caused it. “So that’s what I want to know,” his partner persisted. “Right now— what are you feeling?”
Stepping out of my private world “I…” It was a hard question. “I don’t know.” But the violet gaze fixed on the boy was pleading, and he had to try and answer it. “Confused,” Hisoka offered hesitantly. Something about the moon, and the light, and the way it shone in the dark hair of the older shinigami made lying impossible. “And… strange.” He didn’t want to admit the last part, but to the boy’s horror, it was leaving his lips before he could find a way to make himself stop. “And a little scared.”
It feels like I’m falling “Scared?” The tone of Tsuzuki’s voice was too gentle, and the light touch on his shoulder made the boy flinch away. “Of me?” When Hisoka looked up again, he was blinking back tears. “Of you.” His voice was miserable, a choked little whisper. “Of this. Of… us.” Biting his lip, he lowered his gaze again to the whiteness of the blossoms that had fallen. “I’m sorry.”
I’m losing the fight to stay alone There was a silence that stretched too long, a pause that let Hisoka listen to the emotions warring within his partner. Finally, the older man spoke, the emotions behind the words devastating. “Because of… him? Because of what he did to you?” Gasping, the boy was forced to snatch himself away from Tsuzuki’s hand, from the sudden flare of hatred, the sharp pang of understanding. “Sometimes,” he conceded, when the feelings had receded to a safe level. His breathing was a little shallow, and he couldn’t keep his hands from trembling. “Sometimes, other things.”
Maybe I don’t want to know “What other things?” The tone was calming, reassuring. The emotions were all patience, and caring, and warmth. This time, the boy couldn’t stop the tears from falling, couldn’t stop his voice from rising to a desperate pitch. “There! That!” Ignoring the confusion that he felt coming from his partner, Hisoka pushed onward before he could lose momentum. “You feel so much— you’re so loud about it! And never anything... never hate, or fear, or…” The sob caught in his throat broke the next word in two, but the young shinigami kept going. “…or disgust. And I don’t understand. I tried so hard, and you just…” The boy trailed off, shaking, only to startle slightly when he felt gentle arms enfold him. Warmth. Love. An aching sorrow, that he’d been so badly hurt. The tears fell harder. Wide green eyes sought out unusually serious purple ones. “I don’t understand,” Hisoka repeated helplessly, breath hitching slightly. “No one else… cared.”
Maybe I don’t want to know “It’s okay,” Tsuzuki told him softly, breath warm against his ear. “You don’t have to understand.” Carefully, the man reached a hand to brush back a strand of hair. “Just stay with me for awhile.” The emotions pouring over the boy were thick, and warm, soothing in a way that nothing he’d ever known had been. Somehow, the tears were slowing, and as they dried the young shinigami’s eyes drifted closed. Without realizing what he was doing, Hisoka reached to settle his arms around the man’s waist, leaning his weight against the support of Tsuzuki’s body.
Maybe I don’t want to know “Hisoka?” His partner’s voice was a thousand miles away, and when he spoke, the boy could feel the vibration in the man’s chest. It was a pleasant sensation. “I didn’t just want to ask you something,” Tsuzuki hedged. A touch of uncertainty crept into the stronger emotions, and Hisoka felt him shift awkwardly. “I wanted to say something, too. I’ve been wanting to for kind of awhile.” The boy pulled back a little unwillingly, green eyes steady as he raised his gaze to the older shinigami’s face. He thought he knew what was coming, and it took all his willpower not to beg his partner to keep the secret. Things would change. Or it would be a lie. Or maybe Tsuzuki didn’t care at all, maybe it had all been wishful thinking-- maybe he’d confused his own feelings for those of his partner. Maybe the whole thing was doomed, had been hopeless from the start. Falling deeper into the unknown Maybe-- “I love you.” The smile that touched Tsuzuki’s face took his breath away, and when the older man gave a nervous little laugh, Hisoka couldn’t remember having heard anything more beautiful. “There, I said it.” Carefully, the man with violet eyes leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead. “And you can go inside now, if you want, but… I needed to tell you.” And with that, Tsuzuki gently released the boy and turned to walk away. I’m losing the fight to stay alone For a moment, Hisoka stared numbly, body too cold after the warmth of his partner’s arms. And then: “Wait!” The word was past his lips before he could stop it, and he’d closed the few steps between them on the same impulse. By then, it was too late to pretend indifference; the only thing left was for him to explain. And so he tried. “Before,” he began, voice just a touch desperate, “When you asked what I was feeling?” One of the boy’s hands found the sleeve of Tsuzuki’s coat, burying itself there. “It was strange, and I was scared, but…” Taking a breath, the young shinigami forced the rest out. “But I was lying, because there was more.”
And I’m falling “I…” the boy started. “I think I…” The look in those amazing violet eyes, and the crushing half-hope flooding him made words impossible. In the pale light of the moon, under the soft rain of sakura, speech wasn’t enough for what he wanted to say. Suddenly more sure of this moment than he’d been of anything in his short life, Hisoka reached forward to lift his arms around the man’s neck, hands fisting loosely in the fabric of the black coat. Whatever fear there had been was lost, drowning in feelings that might have belonged to his partner, or might have been his own. Hisoka suspected a little of both. Trembling softly, the boy leaned forward to press his lips against Tsuzuki’s, closing the distance between them for the second time that night. And when contentment joined the emotions radiating from the other shinigami, he knew that Tsuzuki understood. ~owari~
|