Mad Season

by: Asidian

I feel stupid
But I know it won't last for long

It's startin' to amaze me how I always manage to say the wrong thing at just the wrong time. You'd think I'd learn ta keep my mouth shut, na? That he didn't wanna talk about how he got the scar, with me or anyone else.

The last thing I wanna do is scare him off, but I open my big mouth an' push him further away. Fuckin' hell.

I've been guessing
And I coulda been guessin' wrong

It's funny, how you can learn ta read a person when yer with them a long time. Even through a mask that smiles all the time.

He doesn't know yet, an' I'm glad. I'm pretty sure I could tell, if he did… but I dunno what he'd say. What he'd do.

I've thought up about a thousand different answers to that question, an' none of them help. None of them are the ones I need, an' most are ones I don't wanna hear.

I hate havin' ta guess at it, an' I hate that he's makin' me.

You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow

But sometimes I almost wish he'd see it in me, just so I'd know fer sure. It's not even like I'm doin' a good job hiding it.

We've been travelin' together fer almost a year, an' he still hasn't seen it. Every fuckin' day I wake up praying ta Suzaku he won't notice, an' then every night before I go to bed I wish ta all the gods he'll finally understand, an' leave like I'm terrified he will, an' get it over with.

He's a monk, fer Suzaku's sake-- aren't they supposed to be in tune with what's goin' on around them?

Has that whole mad season got ya down?

But somethin's been botherin' him… An' whatever it is, it's enough ta keep him from seein' what's right in front of him.

Guess I should be glad-at least this way, I've got awhile before I get the answers I'm waitin' for.

I feel stupid
But it's something that comes and goes

There I go again. Fuck.

Every time I try an' say anything important, I screw it up. No wonder he won't even look twice at me-- I'm a fuckin' idiot.

He's lookin' at me like I'm out of my head, an' I don't blame him. I think I am. But I just tell him it's nothin' important, like I always do.

I can still feel myself blushing when he turns away an' starts walkin' again.

And I've been changin'
Think it's funny how no one knows

I used ta think that love was somethin' fer girls ta play at-- or fer Tama an' Miaka. But lately I'm learnin' how wrong I was… an' it hurts like hell.

I wonder if he's noticed, yet. It's pretty damn obvious… but then again, he's been kinda wrapped up in meditatin' and stuff lately, so I guess I oughtta count myself lucky.

We don't talk about
The little things that we do without

The more I'm with him, the worse it gets… An' he's gotta notice sometime. It's startin' ta scare me, how much I care about him.

I'm thinkin' more an' more about what I'd do without him… An' that's one more answer I just don't have.

So I keep my mouth shut, an' act as much like normal as I can… An whenever I catch myself thinkin' about how nice it'd be ta kiss him, or even just hold him in my arms, I shut that part of me up.

When that whole mad season comes around

I pray to Suzaku fuckin' every day, just asking fer the strength ta keep up the front. Cause I'm startin' ta dread the day when I finally give up an' let him see behind it.

So why ya gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?

Why the hell does he have to be so fuckin' beautiful?

It wouldn't be so hard if he wasn't... But he is, an' I know I'm starin' again, an' I can't help it.

He's finally got that damned mask off, an' I almost wish he'd put it back on- it's fuckin' torture just to stand here an' keep from touchin' him.

It seems to me
You'd come around

An' he still doesn't understand. He still doesn't get it. He wasn't supposed ta keep missin' it fer so damned long.

It's drivin' me insane.

An' he's lookin' at me with that eye of his again, and I don't think I can take it anymore.

I need you now

I think I scare him when I catch his wrist in my hand and pull him forward. He didn't expect it, and I can read the surprise in his expression-his eye widens a bit, and his lips part a little in a gasp.

So fuckin' beautiful.

I kiss him.

Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out

I can't even think with the feel of his lips on mine. I've been waitin' too damn long fer this, and I plan to make the most of it. It amazes me one more time just how much control he has over me, without ever tryin'.

An' when he pushes me away and stares at me, eye wide, lips still parted slightly, it feels like the whole world just came crashin' down at my feet. He brings one hand up to touch his lips, an' I see something flicker in his eye.

Then it's gone.

And he turns and walks away.

That I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken

I stare after him. I can't do anything else. Even when he rounds the bend to disappear behind a group of trees up ahead, I don't move ta follow him.

If I knew it was comin' anyway, why does it hurt so fuckin' much?

Though I've never spoken
I come undone

After what seems like forever of just standin' there, my legs give out, an' I'm on my knees in the middle of the path, staring at the place he'd been not too long ago.

I can feel the tears burnin' in my eyes, and just let them fall.

In this mad season

At least he's not here ta see them.

I feel stupid
But I think I been catchin' on

You'd think I'd know when ta stop followin' him around, but I just can't. It's not how it used ta be-we don't talk anymore, or even walk next to each other, going from town ta town-but at least we're together.

That's gotta count fer somethin'.

I feel ugly
But I know I still turn you on

An' even after everything, after all he's done ta ignore me, I feel him watching me. An' sometimes I'll catch him, starin' at me with a look in his eye that I've never seen before, an' I can't help but hope…

…But I hoped too much before, an' that only lead ta this.

You've grown colder now
Torn apart, angry, turned around

I step a little faster ta catch up with him, an' make myself grin like always. It hurts.

"Na, Chiri-- we gonna stop pretty soon? We've been goin' all day…"

I don't care how long we've been walkin', or if we never stop again.

"There's a town up ahead, an' we could stay there the night-- I hear they've got good booze……"

Will that whole mad season knock you down?

He doesn't even look at me as he keeps walking.

So are you gonna stand there,
Or are you gonna help me out?

"Stop." My voice scares me. It doesn't sound like me. It sounds like someone older, someone that's been through… well, what I've been through.

It gets through ta him, too. He turns around and faces me, the first time he's done even that much in weeks.

"We gotta talk."

We need to be together now
I need you now

"Okay, Tasuki-kun… Talk, no da."

His high-pitched tone grates. It's not the time for masks.

"Take off that fuckin' mask, an' then we can talk." I watch as he hesitates, then shakes his head.

I scowl. An' in seconds, I've closed the distance between us with my speed and snatched it away.

I stare him full in the face, not backin' down at all. He doesn't seem so confident without the mask.

"I'm not playin' around," I growl out, glaring down at him. "I love you, you bastard-- you can at least stop hidin' from me."

Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out

He's starin' at me again, an' he looks about as surprised as he did when I kissed him.

"…love me…?" He barely speaks the words.

"Yes!" I hiss, an' I can tell by the way he shrinks away that I'm gettin' really mad. "I. Love. You. What the fuck did you think I was doing? Jokin'?" I move in closer, glaring. "This isn't a joke, you asshole."

I tip his chin up, an' I'm kissin' him again before I even know what I'm doing. It's not too gentle, I know, but I can't make myself stop, or even let up a bit. I can feel him tremblin' up against me, an' even mad as I am, I pray to all the gods I don't end up making him hate me more.

That I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken

He doesn't push me away this time.

He doesn't have to.

I pull away after a few seconds on my own, the anger gone. Now there's just the despair I've gotten so used to in the past couple weeks.

Suzaku… Now I've really fucked everything up.

Though I've never spoken
I come undone

I sink to the ground, all my strength gone. All my hope gone. I can't even look at him. I don't wanna see him hate me.

In this mad season

He doesn't leave this time. I can't even start ta guess why, an' I'm too tired ta give it any effort.

Even through the despair that's choking me, I feel his hand on my face, though. Feel his soft touch on my cheek, an' lean into it, hating that I can't stop myself.

"Tasuki…" His voice is soft, gentle. "You're crying…?"

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?/

I am.

I didn't even notice when I started. Guess I'm getting used to it.

I look up at him through the tears.

He's beautiful as ever.

And I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't

Somehow I manage ta force a smile.

"G… gomen nasai. I'll… I'll be alright in a minute." It's hard to talk, with the lump in my throat.

At times I do believe I am strong

How the fuck can he do this to me? Every damn time……

I'm pathetic, an' I know it. I won't be alright in a minute, or an hour, or a year. I love him, an' I can't hide it, an' I can't change it.

Nothing can change it, an' I'm too weak ta push it aside.

So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid?

He's watchin' me with that beautiful fuckin' eye of his again, an' I try ta wipe the tears away so he won't see them. It's not working.

I'm such a fuckin' idiot. At least before, we were friends. He didn't ignore me, an' I could pretend he might feel the same.

And I come undone
Well, I come undone

There's nothin' left ta pretend about. Now I know for sure.

I don't even care when my body starts shaking from the sobs. It's not somethin' I can stop, so I don't even bother tryin'.

I just give up, an' let the tears fall.

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?

I start in surprise when I feel his arms around me. He's not supposed to still be here. He should've walked away, like last time. I should be on my knees, sobbing and alone, heart shattered.

But I'm not. And he's here.

I clutch at him, holding him tight as I can, my hands making fists in his kesa. I start crying harder.

You figured me out
That I'm lost and I'm hopeless

Through the tears, I feel him rubbing my back, tryin' ta get me to calm down some. I'm cryin' so much it takes a couple minutes fer me ta realize he's talking, an' to hear the words.

"Daijoubu, Tasuki-chan…" he's sayin'. "It's alright, now… You don't have to cry anymore… Daijoubu…"

I'm bleeding and broken
Though I've never spoken

The tears stop, slowly. Fer a long time, I stay still, just lost in the feel of his arms around me, an' the sound of his voice.

But I make myself let him go, and lift my eyes up to look him in the face.

And stare.

He's been crying, too.

Well, I need you now

"Chiri..?" My voice is still thick from the tears, and sounds a little strange, even ta me. "Why…?"

When he leans down and brings his face to half an inch from mine, I forget what I was gonna ask.

I can't help staring at him- he's beautiful, scar an' all. An' when he tips his head forward a little more, an' our lips touch, I feel tears in my eyes that have nothin' at all ta do with being sad.

Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out

After a few seconds, he breaks the kiss, an' looks away. I can hardly catch what he says next, but the words are all I ever wanted ta hear.

"G… gomen nasai," he whispers, an' I've gotta lean closer ta hear the rest. "I thought I…" He's havin' trouble getting it out, an' takes a quick breath. "I was so afraid you didn't mean it… or… or that it was a dream… or that if you knew about my past……"

I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken

He looks up at me with tears in his eye, fightin' ta say the rest. "I never meant to hurt you. Gomen nasai, I love you so much, and I never meant to--"

I never hear the rest of what he's saying. I'm too busy pulling him close ta me, an' kissin' him the way I always wanted to.

Though I've never spoken
I come, oh, I come undone
In this mad season

For half a second, I'm terrified beyond words that I might be dreamin'-- that I'll wake up, an' he won't be there, an' I'll be alone again…

But then he pulls me closer, an' wraps his arms around me, and the wave of fear passes.

He's too warm, an' his lips are too soft, an' he's too damn close…

And not even a dream could be this good.

In this mad season

I don't think there's any way ta say how I feel when he presses up against me, an' kisses me back. It's everything I ever hoped it'd be, an' a little bit more besides.

It's been a mad season

I close my eyes, an' just feel him pressed up against me, holding me, kissing me. I'm cryin' again- I can feel the tears running down my cheeks- but it doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing matters anymore, except him.

Been a mad season

He finally pulls away a little, to breathe, an' I find myself staring at him again, drownin' in that eye of his.

"I love you," I tell him again, seriously, honestly. I can't help it-- it's true, an' I can't help but feel like he has ta know it.

"Aa," he murmurs. His gaze is warm, an' there's something in the way he looks at me that I've never seen before. "I love you, too."

"Good," I whisper, pulling him close ta me again.

"That's all I need."

~owari~

send comments to asidian_morris@go.com